Thursday, May 30, 2013

Getting married in Belgium, Part II

This is a follow-up to an earlier post about my wedding, which took place last summer. I always meant to write another post about getting married here but somehow never got around to it--until now. Since our one-year anniversary is just around the corner, I figured I shouldn't wait any longer to write it!

One of the strangest things for me (as an American) to wrap my head around was the Belgian custom of inviting different people to different wedding events.

Where I come from, a wedding is considered a single event comprised of different activities, to which all guests are invited and expected to attend. The usual sequence goes something like this: wedding service (civil or religious) followed by wedding reception, either at the same venue or a different location. The reception usually involves drinks (champagne), then a formal dinner, and finally dancing.


The creation of the guest list is a complicated and tortuous affair, made even more difficult by budget concerns when providing dinner and drinks for everyone on the list. The final guest list has to include a carefully calibrated mixture of close friends, casual friends, immediate family, distant relatives, co-workers and professional acquaintances of both the bride and the groom, and perhaps the parents as well.

Here in Belgium, it is customary to have a different guest list for each wedding activity. For instance, pretty much everyone is invited to attend the civil ceremony; there's no cost to the couple and because it takes place in a public venue (at city hall) anyone can show up and watch. On the other hand, if there's going to be another ceremony (in a church) only close friends and family might be invited and expected to attend. In general, people outside the couple's immediate circle are happy to skip the church ceremony.

Then there might be two or three different celebratory events after the ceremony (or ceremonies). First, a champagne reception for the people invited to the church ceremony. Then a formal dinner for just the immediate family and closest friends. And finally an evening party with music and dancing for the wider circle of friends, acquaintances and other relatives. (At the evening party, there will often be a casual buffet served late in the evening with sandwiches or snacks.)

Breaking the wedding up into different events (sometimes taking place over two or more days) has two advantages: First of all, you can tailor the guest list to the event, limiting the more intimate events to your inner circle of family and friends and including everyone else in a big dance party. Secondly, it saves money since you're not expected or obliged to provide a formal, sit-down dinner to all of your guests--which is often the biggest wedding expense. It's a very practical system.


However, I just couldn't do it. To me it felt rude to exclude some of my guests from certain events. I couldn't bring myself to invite people to my wedding service and then tell them to get lost for a few hours while I went to a nice dinner with my family and closest friends, even though my husband assured me that no Belgian would take offense.

In the end, because our second ceremony took place in the same location (an old, renovated farmhouse) where we had the reception and party, it didn't make sense to break up the guest list anyway. Everyone who came to the ceremony stayed for the champagne reception, sit-down dinner and dancing. And because I had family and friends coming from the United States and England, having our guests spend the whole day together gave everyone the chance to get to know each other.

Some of our Belgian friends couldn't make it to the ceremony since it was on a Friday afternoon and they had to work, so they just showed up during dinner. I found that strange. In America, either you come to the wedding or you don't. You don't accept part of the invitation and you definitely don't skip the wedding ceremony itself. I'm pretty sure Emily Post would not approve, but then she's not Belgian.

I was used to thinking of the wedding ceremony as the most important part of the wedding and my job as guest was to witness and support the couple during this momentous and romantic event. Here, the ceremony is considered a boring formality, and the guest's role is to help celebrate afterwards. Perhaps this is because civil and Catholic weddings tend to be rather formulaic and impersonal, whereas we Americans put a lot of emphasis on customizing the wedding ceremony to reflect the couple's personality and beliefs.


In the end, our wedding day was a reflection of our marriage and ourselves: a combination of American and Belgian influences and traditions. The civil ceremony was in Dutch and the religious ceremony was in English. We sang songs and had readings in both languages. We served Flemish food for dinner and had an American-style tiered wedding cake. The DJ played both Belgian and American music, and the dance floor was full all night long.

It was everything I wanted our wedding to be, and it was perfect.

11 comments:

  1. I have also found that so odd as an American in Brussels - especially the part where people show up for the party without having been to the wedding! So glad to hear your day was all you wanted it to be in the end (and your cake was stunning.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's nice to know it's not just me! And thank you--I loved our cake. But it was such a tortuous process to find a baker who could make it. I think I might have to write another post just about the cake :)

      Delete
  2. Hi Diana. I'm Polish, & I've been living in Belgium for 8 years now & I'm getting marrier to a Spaniard:-) Thankfully, we decided to take the wedding to Spain. why thankfully, because the weather sucks:-) But yeah, planning a wedding is quite an experience wherever you are, I guess.In spain, just like in Poland or the US, people get invited to the whole thing. Inviting them only to the church would be weird. However, we just got invited to a friend's wedding & we only get to go to the drinks & dance part which starts at 10pm
    How on earth are we supposed to plan that? and what do you do about the present? After all, you're not expected to give the same kind of gift, now are you...all so confusing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Barb! I recently had the same experience--we were invited to the wedding ceremony and to the evening party--which was a cocktail followed by dessert, coffee and dancing (weird!)--but not dinner. Since we didn't know what to expect, we brought a gift. What did you do?

      Delete
  3. Hi Diana! We are planning to get married in Brussels next year, so I would welcome any tips you'd have for us to make the preparations a bit smoother! We will probably do a civil ceremony in the town hall and then go somewhere nice for the reception and party. I am completely lost among all the florists, caterers, venues, cake makers, etc. so since you've been there already, could you please give us some suggestions?
    Thanks!
    Sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sara! Congratulations! If you were getting married in Hasselt, I'd have lots of suggestions for you, but since I don't live in Brussels I'm afraid I can't be much help. Good luck :)

      Delete
  4. Hello Diana, I ran across your blog while researching for venues located around the Limburg area. I recently moved to Belgium from the states and am now planning a wedding for next August. Do you or any other readers have any good recommendations or suggestions for a nice wedding venue located around Hasselt or the Limburg area. When I think of Belgium, castle or, in your case, a rustic farm house is what comes to mind. Some of the places that we seen have been very nice but they are either too large and a little over our budget. Any suggestions or links would be appreciated. Thank you Karen and scott

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Scott! Welcome to Limburg! We had our religious ceremony and reception at De Kleine Graaf in 's Herenelderen (near Tongeren). We also looked at the wine castle (www.wijnkasteel.com) nearby. Another nice venue that a friend used for her wedding is Krekelhof in Kuringen (Hasselt). Good luck!

      Delete
  5. Hi
    I got engaged last week in the lovely Bruges. We have both been married before and are in our late 40s /early 50s , would love to get married there next year. From what I have been reading, it all sounds a bit impossible for non Belgian residents as we are from UK. I have read all the blogs with great interest but the idea of planning a wedding again is frightening....lol........Would have loved for it to take place in the Orangerie Hotel but obviously I realise now it has to be in the town hall. Is it impossible for us to get married in Bruges ?? Regards...Michaela

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Congratulations on your engagement! As far as I know, there is no way for non-Belgians to get married in Belgium, since the only kind of wedding that is performed here is a civil marriage at city hall, and you have to be a citizen or at least a legal resident. Any other kind of ceremony (such as a religious service) is illegal unless preceded by a legal marriage. How about a honeymoon in Bruges? :)

      Delete
    2. afaik not illegal but not binding.

      Delete